Random Ramblings:

There are times that you feel like nothing but a guinea pig.  All you do is get stuck, probed, tested....it's insane.  At times I feel like doctors don't care how much it costs you...they just want to run tests.  Yes, I know there are reasons for the tests to be done but come on, sometimes enough is enough.  Yes, it totally stinks to have cancer.  Actually it sucks.  When you are first diagnosed you go through so many scans, tests, blood work, ect.  I quickly got over my fear of needles.  At times it feels like getting to that five year mark will never come.  Each time I think I get to start counting the years in between scans something happens that I have to be scanned.

I understood the scan after treatment, the six month scan and the year scan.  I even understood the next one year scan.  Cancer cells were found in the lymph nodes, so we had to continue to be aggressive.  After that scan came back clean I was all excited.  Finally get to start counting the years.  Wrong, my blood work came back showing the cancer was trying to come back which means another scan.  Ugh, so tired of this.  There comes a time you just feel like throwing up your hands and saying your done.  Done done done.  But you can't.  You have to keep fighting and deal with cards your delt. 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned through all of this is cancer doesn't care what social class your in, your age, sex, race, ect.  Cancer can attack anyone. 

When all this started, I got so tired of hearing...if  you are to get cancer thyroid cancer is the best one to have.  It is so easy to manage and get rid of.  All I could think, you aren't the one going through it.  Your not the one who is currently dealing with this.  So please stop saying it!  Of course, I never said a word and just sat there listening.

Not long after I had the first surgery and was diagnosed with cancer, something crazy happened to me.  I was at the December Graduation Reception and was talking to a student.  I honestly don't remember how the conversation started but we got to talking about me having thyroid cancer and I was about to have surgery number two.  I told her that my oncologist wasn't going to let me have treatment until I had a right neck dissection.  She then told me her mom was going through the samething.  Her mom was about to have her thyroid removed.  She asked how I discovered I had cancer and then introduced me to her mom.  I got to share my story and answer some questions for her.

I got back to work from haveing surgery number two, left again for treatment, returned again then a few weeks later found out a student was diagnosed with cancer...then a few months later had another student diagnosed (niether on had the type of cancer I had).  Considering I just went through it I was also able to help them.  If nothing else I could be there to listen to them when they needed to talk, scream, vent...whatever they needed. 

Even now through my blog and talking about it on twitter I have been able to help people.  It's amazing how God has been able to use to me to help other people.  Even though for a while I was mad and angry for getting cancer and to some degree blamed God, I have been able to turn it into a testimony.  I have to admit, my parents and friends kept telling me that would happen. 

The biggest problem I had was dealing with the scar.  Ugh, I hatde the scar.  To me it's so noticeable (well at the time).  Of course I was told it wasn't, but I always thought you had to be blind not to see it.  The looks...oh my the looks I would get after the surgeries and treatment.  Strangers would always ask what happened.  There was one guy who worked at a gas station asked me if the person who caused it was behind bars and if I left the jerk.  There was another time in Feburary 2009 about a week or so before treatment I was at a hotel (hubbies sisters and a couple of friends came to Oklahoma) and a friend of my hubbies was causeing a scene and some other people also staying at the hotel called security.  While Paul was talking to one cop another one asked me what happened.  Nothing like 20 questions caused by thyroid cancer.  It also seemed like, just when I was finally comfortable about the scar, I would be asked what happened.  My poor husband would get so frustrated with me.  He kept telling me it's not noticable, but everytime I looked in a mirror all I saw was the horrible scar.

It's just recently I haven't really noticed the scar and I can actually joke about it.  I was told about a year or so ago that I should view it as a victory scar.  I now understand what was being said.  See, all I could see was an ugly scar.  Now it's a beautiful scar...a battle that I won, with God's help.