A time for honesty...

When I first started my blog I never thought there would be any interest.  I wanted to share my story and hoped that I would be able to help others.  I also needed a place to vent and come to terms with everything that has happened.  I honestly never dreamed that so many people would be interested in what I had to say, how I felt, or could relate with what I have been going through.  Honestly, I'm not all that interesting of a person.  So, if I end up repeating myself...please just bear with me.

You know how you buy a car and all the sudden you see that type of car everywhere?  That is how I felt when I had my thyroid removed.  All the sudden I noticed many people with the same type of scar on my neck.  Apparently it is more common than I thought.  I know my oncologist told me it was one of the fastest growing types of cancer, but wow.  It seemed like I was seeing the scar everywhere.

In the beginning I felt like I was being pushed in every direction.  Between all the doctors visits (and them not being on the same page), working, church, family, holidays, ect...I was struggling with my faith.  I think I might have talked about this before, however it has come up again.  A few weeks ago, I ran into a couple from my church while Paul and I were at lunch.  He had asked me how I was doing and I told him okay.  I mentioned how frustrated I was with everything that was going on...and he understood.  He was dealing with his own medical stuff.

I also told him...and I don't know why, but I said that I was having a lot of trouble trusting God.  Now, don't get me wrong I have faith in God and I totally trust him...but at that point in time I was struggling.  Actually to some degree I still am.  He said he understood and that he was praying for me.  Unfortunately all I could think was great, someone else praying...a lot of good that has done.  I sound like a great Christian don't I?  But of course I told him thanks I appreciate it and went back to eating.

During the past couple of weeks I have gone back to thinking how I dealt with the first diagnosis.  I really questioned God.  Why me?  What I have done to deserve cancer?  I'm sure everyone has those thoughts.  Come on be honest....you know you have.  It doesn't matter if you were diagnosed with cancer or something else, or maybe you have felt like you every time it has rained it poured.  See, that is the part I have been dealing with.  I feel like it's still raining and pouring.

I was so excited when I was told I was cancer free.  In my mind I was thinking, great now I get to start counting the years.  The goal is to get to where you are go through and get tested once every five years.  I have yet to be able to do that.  I have been test every year for three years now.  I know it doesn't seem like much but if you are a thyroid cancer patient you know what I'm talking about.  The low iodine diet, the shots, the tracer dose, ect...it's a pain.  Again it doesn't sound like much...unless you are going through it.

Now that it is almost four years after the second surgery and I'm still dealing with "stuff".  My right arm, nerve issues, abnormal lymph nodes...all this "stuff".  It's so irritating.  I guess you could say this is where I start to question my faith.  Once I was declared cancer free I thought that it would be smooth sailing.  But no, I'm still dealing.  In my heart I know God is in control however in my mind I wonder at times if he is still with me.  I keep telling myself that it is natural to feel this way and that I have to keep my faith...but it is hard.  The times that it's the hardest is when I feel close to God and when things are going good...wham something happens. 

This year I have also dealt with survivors guilt for the first time.  I had to have a friend who was in the first war in Iraq explain to me what it is.  See, a few months ago I had a friend of mine tell me she is ate up with cancer.  They had to stop chemo because it's not working anymore.  I felt crushed.  I haven't seen my friend in a while and we had just got back in contact with each other.  This is the news I was expecting.  Why...why her?  Why not me?  I just don't understand.  It's just like my awesome aunt who I loved so much...why was it her time.  We all have so much to live for.  Why did I get off so easy.  WAIT!  This has been far from easy, but still....why.

When you go through this you are informed of all residual stuff.  Just because you are cancer free doesn't always mean there won't be any other issues.  For example the problems with my right side, all the tests, scares that it's back, abnormal lymph nodes, ect....the list can go on and on.

And through it all...I have to keep reminding myself that God is still in control.  I might not always feel him.  I may slip, go on a rant and fall to my knees apologizing for not trusting him...but I really do know, down deep that he is still there.  Down deep I also know that it's not because what I may or may not have done, I know it has nothing to do with my past...it just happens.  Nobody knows why.  I'm not saying this is the path God wanted me to have.  You know why I know...I have been able to help so many other people.  I have been able to share my unfinished story as a testimony.  Yes, I get frustrated, yes I get mad, depressed, and want to punch holes in the walls.  However, I know that God is carrying me and with each speed bump, it's another lesson to learn.

Don't get me wrong...I feel like I have learned more than enough lessons.  Evidently there is more that I need to learn.