A time for honesty...

When I first started my blog I never thought there would be any interest.  I wanted to share my story and hoped that I would be able to help others.  I also needed a place to vent and come to terms with everything that has happened.  I honestly never dreamed that so many people would be interested in what I had to say, how I felt, or could relate with what I have been going through.  Honestly, I'm not all that interesting of a person.  So, if I end up repeating myself...please just bear with me.

You know how you buy a car and all the sudden you see that type of car everywhere?  That is how I felt when I had my thyroid removed.  All the sudden I noticed many people with the same type of scar on my neck.  Apparently it is more common than I thought.  I know my oncologist told me it was one of the fastest growing types of cancer, but wow.  It seemed like I was seeing the scar everywhere.

In the beginning I felt like I was being pushed in every direction.  Between all the doctors visits (and them not being on the same page), working, church, family, holidays, ect...I was struggling with my faith.  I think I might have talked about this before, however it has come up again.  A few weeks ago, I ran into a couple from my church while Paul and I were at lunch.  He had asked me how I was doing and I told him okay.  I mentioned how frustrated I was with everything that was going on...and he understood.  He was dealing with his own medical stuff.

I also told him...and I don't know why, but I said that I was having a lot of trouble trusting God.  Now, don't get me wrong I have faith in God and I totally trust him...but at that point in time I was struggling.  Actually to some degree I still am.  He said he understood and that he was praying for me.  Unfortunately all I could think was great, someone else praying...a lot of good that has done.  I sound like a great Christian don't I?  But of course I told him thanks I appreciate it and went back to eating.

During the past couple of weeks I have gone back to thinking how I dealt with the first diagnosis.  I really questioned God.  Why me?  What I have done to deserve cancer?  I'm sure everyone has those thoughts.  Come on be honest....you know you have.  It doesn't matter if you were diagnosed with cancer or something else, or maybe you have felt like you every time it has rained it poured.  See, that is the part I have been dealing with.  I feel like it's still raining and pouring.

I was so excited when I was told I was cancer free.  In my mind I was thinking, great now I get to start counting the years.  The goal is to get to where you are go through and get tested once every five years.  I have yet to be able to do that.  I have been test every year for three years now.  I know it doesn't seem like much but if you are a thyroid cancer patient you know what I'm talking about.  The low iodine diet, the shots, the tracer dose, ect...it's a pain.  Again it doesn't sound like much...unless you are going through it.

Now that it is almost four years after the second surgery and I'm still dealing with "stuff".  My right arm, nerve issues, abnormal lymph nodes...all this "stuff".  It's so irritating.  I guess you could say this is where I start to question my faith.  Once I was declared cancer free I thought that it would be smooth sailing.  But no, I'm still dealing.  In my heart I know God is in control however in my mind I wonder at times if he is still with me.  I keep telling myself that it is natural to feel this way and that I have to keep my faith...but it is hard.  The times that it's the hardest is when I feel close to God and when things are going good...wham something happens. 

This year I have also dealt with survivors guilt for the first time.  I had to have a friend who was in the first war in Iraq explain to me what it is.  See, a few months ago I had a friend of mine tell me she is ate up with cancer.  They had to stop chemo because it's not working anymore.  I felt crushed.  I haven't seen my friend in a while and we had just got back in contact with each other.  This is the news I was expecting.  Why...why her?  Why not me?  I just don't understand.  It's just like my awesome aunt who I loved so much...why was it her time.  We all have so much to live for.  Why did I get off so easy.  WAIT!  This has been far from easy, but still....why.

When you go through this you are informed of all residual stuff.  Just because you are cancer free doesn't always mean there won't be any other issues.  For example the problems with my right side, all the tests, scares that it's back, abnormal lymph nodes, ect....the list can go on and on.

And through it all...I have to keep reminding myself that God is still in control.  I might not always feel him.  I may slip, go on a rant and fall to my knees apologizing for not trusting him...but I really do know, down deep that he is still there.  Down deep I also know that it's not because what I may or may not have done, I know it has nothing to do with my past...it just happens.  Nobody knows why.  I'm not saying this is the path God wanted me to have.  You know why I know...I have been able to help so many other people.  I have been able to share my unfinished story as a testimony.  Yes, I get frustrated, yes I get mad, depressed, and want to punch holes in the walls.  However, I know that God is carrying me and with each speed bump, it's another lesson to learn.

Don't get me wrong...I feel like I have learned more than enough lessons.  Evidently there is more that I need to learn. 

Physical therapy and medicine adjustments.....

I know I have mentioned before, my pain management doctor put me in physical therapy.  I really wish I would have been in before now.  The difference that pt has made has been awesome.  Thank you Dr Claflin for suggesting it.  I have almost gained full mobility of my head and neck.  I know that must sound strange but for the past two plus years I have only been able to turn my head to the right part way.  I would have to move my whole upper body to look at something that is placed to the right.  It got to where I would try to sit to the left of the tv, somebody or something that way it would be easier to look to the left.  Does that make any since?  I hope so because I'm not sure how to word it otherwise. 

Okay, moving on.  So I'm able to move and turn my head more and I feel like I have more strength in my right arm.  My physical therapist did a progress evaluation and when he retested how many pounds I can squeeze (that dumb bell looking thing that you squeeze and it measure pounds) I was able to squeeze 9 more pounds.  So in my right arm I have gone from 32-33 to 41-42 pounds.  I almost feel like I'm somewhat back to normal...well almost.  Truthfully, this is the best I have felt in some time.  I can look up, down, turn my head...it is so awesome.  I still have some trouble looking up or down for long periods of time.  But, considering where I started...I'm so excited to be where I am.

I'm still dealing with some numbness and tingling in my pinkie and I still get a sharp pain in the side of my neck.  When I do some exercises it flares up.  It has confused my physical therapist.  He has pretty well come to the conclusion that the nerve that runs under my clavicle (which was the nerve moved during my 2nd cancer surgery).  Now the question is...what does it have to do with the nerve that runs to my pinkie.  I trust my pt guy and I know they will get it figured out.  Actually I have a physical therapist who is a guy and one who is a girl.  I love them both!  I'm a work in progress but I'm getting better and I'm excited.

So, in the title I mentioned medication change.  When I got a call from my new doctors nurse about my TSH level, they lowered my Synthroid.  I was on .175 mg and now I'm on .125.  It's only been about a week since the change, so I guess I'm feeling okay.  I'm pretty tired but I believe that it's because things have been really busy.  The day my medication was changed I was asked if I would be interested in working the high school championship games.  Wow, crazy.  My dad offered to help so of course I asked if he could.  It's fun working with him.  So we worked until late Friday night, all day Saturday and we are doing it again this weekend.  Actually it's really fun.  Been sometime since I have watched high school football.  I'm sure that has a lot to do with me being tired.  I never realized I needed a medication change.  Normally I know the signs but this time I didn't.  I did notice my hair kinda falling out but it is season change, like I said I have been tired and my husband says that I have been moody.  I guess lol.  I have blood work done in December so I guess only time will tell.

All this fun while we are in the holiday season.  Of course...why not.  When all this first started we were entering the holiday season (diagnosed with cancer November 2008), and we had a cancer scare last year...in December (2012) so why change this year.  Gotta keep things interesting. 

Stay tuned...never know what will happen next!

The plan....

Right on cue, Dr. Vasan came up with a plan. As if I should have ever doubted him. He asked me to make some calls and get the films and reports sent to him. He asked me if I had and endocrinologist, and I said no. I explained to him that my endo got a fancy job at the Mayo Clinic.  How could you really pass up that kind of job?  You know.  He said that was the first thing we were going to do...he is referring me to one at OU Med. He said second, we need to do some lab work.  Check my TSH, tumor marker and my Thyroglobulin. He did ask when was the last time all this was checks, I told him I haven't had any done since the beginning of the year. Finally, he wanted my appointment rescheduled for after December 7th. That I didn't understand, but okay.

Here is where my appointment took a change for the better. His nurse came in to let me know it would be a few minutes. He was dictating his notes from our appointment then they would be printed so that I could have a copy.  That's something new. I looked at Paul and the nurse asked if everything was okay. I told her I felt frustrated and felt like the trip was a waste of time. I even felt like when I was first diagnosed with cancer and was being sent to this doctor, to that doctor, then back to another. It was crazy.  She then looked at me and said...actually your appointment is at a great time.  Of course I looked at her all confused.

She explained...the reason he wants my appointment after December 7th is because on that day the tumor board meets.  The what?  The tumor board consists of my doctor, and endocrinologist, oncologist, and some other people.  They sit together and discuss each case.  They take a patients file and look through it...this is what the blood work says, this is what the films and reports say, this is how I feel we should treat this patient, this is what I think, ect...that way everyone is on the same page.  Wow, what a concept.  Having all my doctors on the same page.  I don't know if I know what to do with that.  She went on to explain, even if I had my paperwork he would more than likely have me do blood work anyway and would still meet with the board first before we made any type of plans.  Ugh, that kinda upset me.  I went to the appointment expecting answers....not more questions.

I went a little further in explaining more of my frustrations.  I told her that I have decided that I want all my doctors at OU Med.  My endo, oncologist if needed, ect...just have everything in one place.  She completely understood and said that was fine.  I asked her what I needed to do to make that happen.  She said to call the Stillwater Cancer Care Center and have them send my file(s)/paperwork and since I was already having films sent just request all of them.  His nurse also asked when was the last time I had a PET scan done and I told her that one hasn't been done since I was first diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.  That answer seemed to have surprised her.  I did tell her I just had the whole body scan done in January.  Tina (Dr. Vasan's nurse) said...asked again about a PET scan and I said no, just the whole body scan, it was like she was surprised that it had been so long since I had one.  Wish I would have thought to ask if at some point I should have had another one.

So, we went over the notes from the appointment with Dr. Vasan, made another appointment for December 10th and I wend to the 2nd floor for the blood work.  After that was over I went to the car still frustrated but not as much.  I was excited we had a game plan and I loved the fact there was a committee that met twice a month.  Again, how refreshing that the doctors work together.  Wish that would have happened in the beginning of all this.  But at least I have it now and I am very confident that I will be very well taken care of.

That next day was crazy.  I had physical therapy and several phone calls to make.  I had to call Servant Imaging, Stillwater Medical Center, Stillwater Cancer Care Center and Mercy.  For the most part everyone was pretty easy to talk to...once I was directed to the proper departments.  A couple of the places required my signature but they were willing to fax me the forms and I could fax them back.  Like I said, it was easy....I honestly expected it to take forever (between working and making calls), however it only took half the day.  Now all I have to do is keep my fingers crossed that they receive everything by the 7th of December. 

On Thursday (November 27th) I received an interesting phone call.  It was from my doctors office.  Apparently they have received some of my blood test results.  Apparently my TSH levels are to low (I had no clue...it does explain a lot) and they are adjusting my Synthroid.  I was once again asked when I had it checked last and I told them back in January.  They asked for my pharmacy number and told me to start it tomorrow (Friday) and that I need to come back in 10 weeks to have it rechecked.  I of course asked if I could do it here in Stillwater and the nurse asked....is there anyone there you trust?  Good point, I will come to OU Med.

Then on Monday (December 3rd) I had another phone call.  Another nurse called to confirm the last two tests I have had done.  The MRI and Ultra Sound and confirmed the locations.  I said yes and asked if they had received everything and she said yes.  Praise the Lord, they got everything they needed by the 7th. 

Now all I have to do is wait for my appointment on the 10th to find out what will happen next.

The Doctor didn't what?????

So my doctors office called and told me that my appointment was scheduled for November 26th at OU Medical at 3:00 pm.  I then turned and called my hubby to let him know.  We were both really impressed that I got in so quickly.  I had to make a few phone calls to change a couple of appointments and then we were set.

One of the pluses of having a doctors appointment in OKC is that hubby and I stop by Ted's Mexican.  Love there food.  So we took off the afternoon, stopped for lunch and then went to OU Medical Center.  Actually we went to Peggy and Charles Stephenson Cancer Center.  It's on the OU Medical Center Campus.  Great facility.  You walk in and it's nice, bright, cheery.  Well, as happy as one can be when dealing with cancer and other medical issues.  It took a while to find Dr. Vasan's office.  All I was told was where to go and when, I wasn't told a room or floor number...but we found it.  With help from an OK State fan by the way...yep had to throw that in.

 

So I got checked in, filled out some paper work and just as I sat down the nurse came out and got us (hubby and I).  Had my temp taken, blood pressure , weighed (I asked if I could skip it considering I just ate Mexican food...didn't work) and then back to our room.  We only had to wait a couple of minutes if that.  Then came in Dr. Vasan.

It was nice to see him again, of course I wish it would have been under different circumstances.  We briefly chit chatted.  I told him I was now in physical therapy because of some of the problems I'm still having with my arm and his wasn't surprised.  He said with the surgery I had it was to be expected.  We chit chatted a little more, then he looked at my scar and was pleased with the way it has healed and then we got down to business.

His first question was...so what brings you in today.  I looked at him funny and then looked at Paul.  All I could think was............you tell me.  So I explained to him what has happened over the past several weeks.  I had a MRI done because of the pain I was in, told him about the fluid that was detected, explained to him about the Ultra Sound, and then he looked at me and said...you didn't by any chance bring any films or reports did you?  I looked at Paul and then at Dr Vasan and said....no, it should have been sent with the referral.  Then the boom happened....I was told that it wasn't.

Wait, what?  They didn't send the report(s) with the referral?  How do you forget to do something like that?  Now I'm feeling crushed and like the appointment was a waste of time.  Why did we drive to the City for nothing.  Dr. Vasan can't do anything without the report or running his own tests.  Good Lord, now what am I going to do?  I felt completely crushed.  I really felt like I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer.  I went from this doctor to that doctor back to this doctor.  I felt like nobody knew what they were doing.  Almost like I was falling through the cracks...ugh!!!  The frustration!!!

Physical Therapy...new meds....more tests...oh the joy:

So I started physical therapy on November 6th.  Having four knee surgeries I had a pretty good idea what to expect.  I walked in and saw Joe (he was my therapist for one of the knee surgeries).  We chit chatted for a few minutes to get caught up and then the evaluation started.  He informed me that I was pretty tight (duh) and asked why I haven't done therapy before now.  I told him nobody suggested it and I didn't know I needed it.  I told him that my doctor who did the right neck dissection said I would have some problems but I didn't realize it would last this long or have this many problems. 

Joe did some tests and said that I have definitely lost some strength in my right arm.  He had me squeeze this dumb bell looking thing that measure the pounds your able to lift/squeeze, whatever it was.  On the left side I measured 52-54 pounds and on the right I measured 32-33 pounds.  Big difference.  So Joe said...we have some work to do.

My first real appointment was interesting.  Almost everything Joe tried to do hurt...he could hardly touch me.  At the time, I was glad that I was on the Lyrica three times a day.  It helped dull the pain a little, and by the time I got home from work I would be taking my pain meds.  There have been times I have gone back to work from therapy with a major headache and wishing I could just go home and go to sleep.  It has been such a slow process...well in my opinion.  I want a quick fix, I think we all do. 

Between the therapy and the Lyrica (new med) I was having a tough couple of weeks.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit this but I was at our WVU/OK State game and I was watching the pregame warm ups.  I was commenting on how I didn't like the the uniforms.  Then I realized my team was wearing the ugly unis.  I about fell over.  The person I was talking to about fell over laughing.  I couldn't believe that I didn't realize it was our team.  Well then we had a penalty called and I turned to my dad and said.....wait, better not post it.  Don't want to get bashed for not being "politically correct".  Just know it was funny.  I would go home from work and sleep...I almost fell asleep at my desk.  I was moody, confused, easily distracted (no comments needed)....it was just horrible.

I woke up one Sunday morning and told Paul (in tears) that I didn't want to take the pills anymore.  I didn't like the way they made me feel.  He said then stop taking them...I did.  I started taking them at night only just until I ran out.  I never refilled the prescription (plus my copay was $50 for them.  WOW).

So I have had eight physical therapy appointments and I can now turn my head to the right side and I have sleeping on my right side.  I haven't been able to do that since December 2008.  I am feeling so much better...until yesterday.  Boy, did Joe hurt me.  There are still some issues I'm having.  I still get this sharp pain in my neck that goes down my arm and three of my fingers still go numb.  Now the good news is that we seem to have been able to pin point what is causing it.  It is the nerve that had to be moved during the right neck dissection.  Now we have to figure out a way to fix it.

I know its been a couple of weeks since my last post.  So I'm not sure if you remember or not, but I had mentioned that the MRI detected some fluid in my saliva gland.  I went to my regular doctor and he ordered an Ultra Sound.  I had the test done on November 20th and for the most part it went well. 

The technician's student came to get me and asked if it would be alright if she could check my neck.  She informed me that the radiologist would be in and he would double check her work.  Of course I didn't mind, we all have to learn at some point.  He came in and then they started checking things.  First they checked the right side and she would identify what she was seeing, she took pictures, measurements, ect...then they started looking at the gland.  The gland itself looked great, then they looked at the ducts (I really hope I'm saying that right).  As they were looking they found a cyst in on of the ducts.  That would be the fluid that the MRI detected.  Then the technician decided to check the left side just to compare the two, well and so the student could learn more.

All the sudden it got quiet.  That's when I knew something was wrong.  As they were looking they discovered a couple of abnormal lymph nodes.  Apparently one lymph node is about two to three centimeters big.  They said with my history I need to have it checked.  NOT what I wanted to hear and of course with everything I have been through....I cried.  Going back to work after that was fun.  Everyone was asking how did it go, did they say anything, what did they find, ect...I would start to explain and cry.  All I could think was how frustrated I was.  It never seems to end.

You know, when I was first diagnosed all I heard was if you were to get cancer, Thyroid Cancer is the best to have.  It's the easiest to manage and cure.  Right now, in my experience it might be the best to manage but it seems to be the most frustrating.  When you first go through it your not told about all the post-cancer stuff.  I'm sure all cancer patients go through it but right now this is how I feel.

As soon as I got back to work I immediately called my doctors office and asked to be referred to either St Francis in Tulsa or OU medical in the city.  Thankfully I got in with Dr. Vasan at OU Medical.  He did the right neck dissection and I know he will take good care of me.

Happy Birthday to me:

Nothing like meeting a new doctor on my birthday (October 29th).  Good thing I ended up liking the guy....he is a pain management doctor from Rehabilitation Physicians of Oklahoma.  Real nice.  I wasn't sure what all to expect from him when we first met.  I called my dad earlier that day asking all kinds of questions.  What to expect, what is the doctor going to do, what will happen with the first appointment, ect...

The appointment went the way dad said.  A lot of questions, poking, examining, more questions and then finally my MRI results (finally!).  According to the doctor my MRI wasn't all that bad.  It looks like I have arthritis in my neck (to be expected), fluid in a gland(s) and not sure why, and I have a tear on a disk.  He said according to the MRI I don't have anything pressing on a nerve (in the neck area).  He did a couple of tests and then told me that I have lost use in my right arm (duh).

He went a head and increased a couple of my meds and added a new one....Lyrica (http://lyrica.com).  After the car wreck I remember being put on Lyrica and it seems to me that I really didn't care for it back then.  However, at this point, I don't care...just fix me.  So far it hasn't been all that bad.  Last night was a bad night, but I'm sure that is to be expected with a new pill.  The doctor told me to start taking it at night and gradually get to where I'm taking it three times a day.  I took it that first night and woke up the next morning feeling wonderful.  Haven't felt that good in a long time.  So, I took one that morning and night.  The next day...not so good.  So far today...things are better.  I don't think I'm going to up it to three times a day until the weekend.  That way I can sleep if needed.

The next thing the doctor has added is physical therapy.  You should see the list of things he wants me to work on...crazy.  I'm to go 2-3 times a week for 4-6 weeks.  I have not problem with that.  I knew I had lost some use, just not sure how much.

I  had my physical therapy evaluation this morning (November 6th) and of course I cried.  You know, it was an eval, you shouldn't cry while being evaluated before you actually start the physical therapy.  Wrong, wrong, wrong, of course you cry lol.  You are being poked, stuck, pulled, turned, all sorts of things are happening so that the therapist can see what needs to be worked on.

I felt so good and comforted after my appointment (total sarcasm by the way).  Nothing like being told that one's neck is jacked up and my therapist doesn't know how on earth I have been able to go as long as I have.  He also didn't understand why I haven't been put in physical therapy before now.  I asked him if I should have been in therapy after my 2nd surgery and he said considering the problems I had post-op...yes.  He went on to say that it's easier to say that now.

I think the most frustrating thing for me is I have learned so much more since the 2 surgeries and treatment than what I was taught while going thru it.  Looks like I will learn even more after my doctors appointment on the 15th.  Gotta know what gland has fluid in it and why.

Stay tuned!

Another new doctor....or two:

As I mentioned in my last post I'm looking for a new endocrinologist (http://www.hormone.org/Public/endocrinologist.cfm) and I'm now under the care of a pain management doctor.

Why a pain management doctor you ask?  Great question and I will tell you.

When I first started my blog I had made mention that I was rear ended in 2006 and that I had a right neck dissection in 2008 (second cancer surgery).  I believe I also mentioned that since I have the right neck dissection that I have been in pretty consistent pain and have been having problems with my right side.  Well, the issues aren't going away and it's getting to the point that the medication I have been on isn't working.

Well, part of my family has been trying to tell me that they feel the issues is from the car wreck.  I don't discount that isn't a part of the problem, however I feel it's caused from the 2nd surgery.  My doctor who did the second surgery told me he would have to move a nerve that goes from my neck through my shoulder in order to get all the lymph nodes that needed to be removed.

Now my wonderful husband keeps telling me...remember the doctor that did the nerve burn did say that it's possible those nerves could grow back.  That was after the wreck.  I do remember the doctor saying that but I don't remember hurting then like I do now.  That's not to say the issues I'm having now aren't being caused by both.

However, I have been a member of a wonderful Thyroid Cancer Support Group on Facebook and have asked if any other Thyroid Cancer survivors/patients have had the same issue...I quickly found that I'm not alone.  I'm not sure how common or what all the side effects are.  All I know is I'm in pain...a lot and I'm not sleep and can't get comfortable at night.  I haven't been able to sleep on my right side for two years now, I'm getting headaches, I feel that I have lost strength in my right arm and I have tingling and numbness.  When there are weather changes and it's cold is when the problems are worse (arm burns, feels twice it's size and when the wind blows and hits the back of my neck it hurts). 

My my, I sound like a baby.  I'm not, I'm just tired of hurting.

I remember after the second surgery (might have already mentioned), I couldn't lift my right arm and it was hard to open my mouth to eat or talk.  Well, two plus years later I'm still having problems.  I honestly don't remember my doctor saying the problems/issues would be life long.  I thought it would be a temporary issue and would heal on it's own.  It hasn't.

I'm still numb from my jaw down my neck....has yet to return.  And the pain...well, lets just say there is pain.

Time for honesty.  My husband for the longest time didn't believe me when I said there were still certain areas the feeling hadn't returned.  I finally had to let him pinch me in the areas that are numb for him to believe me.  It was rather funny.  I also need to admit, at my previous job I freaked out a couple of student by doing the same thing to them.  Hey, they wouldn't believe me.  Okay, time to move on.

With all this, at my last doctors appointment I finally told my doctor that I have had enough.  Now that my meds aren't touching the pain it's time to do something.  So an MRI was ordered on done, they got the results, they referred me and sent my paperwork to the pain management doctor and I have an appointment on the 29th.  The 29th can't get here fast enough!  I'm hopeing and praying I get some answers and this doctor will be able to help me.

Grand...another doctor and I still have yet to find an endocrinologist.

Not sure what else to say.  I keep thinking that cancer is the gift that keeps giving.  I hate cancer.

Stress....what stress?

I know it's been a while since I have last posted...so let me try to get you caught up.

July 16th, 2012 my mom had a heart cath done.  We (my dad and I) have been discussing for sometime that we knew something was right with mom.  We just wasn't all that sure what.  In March 2012 (actually March 11th), my dad and I took mom to the doctor.  At that time she was told she had bronchitis.  She was put on meds and was on her way to feeling better.  She did improve some but not alot.  Then the coughing started back up.  No other symptoms, just coughing.  She finally made an appointment with her primary care doctor and he immediately started a battery of tests.  He thought she was going into congestive heart failure.

More test were ordered, she was sent to a cardiologist and he said....your having a heart cath done Monday.  And that was that.  She went in and come to find out she had three arteries clogged.  Two of them they were able to balloon and the third they had to put a stint in.  The difference was night and day.  When mom came out she looked happier, her skin was brighter...she was just better.  She had to stay in the hospital over night and was able to go home the next day.

Got her home, ran some errands for her and dad...then I finally went home.  Around 7:30/8:00 that evening my hubby comes home for lunch.  He didn't look right.  I was trying to have a conversation with him but I felt like he was holding three at the same time.  I finally asked him to stop and when he looked at me I felt like I was looking into space.  There was no emotion and his eyes were vacant.  I told him we were going to the ER.  He said why and I told him I thought he had heat exhaustion.  After making some calls and after his shower (yep, he wanted to shower before we went) we were out the door. 

Side note:  Did I mention I was also in the process of throwing my parents a surprise anniversary party?  Yep, started planning around March however now the party is less than a month away and now mom has had a heart cath and I have hubby in the ER.  Ugh...

As expected...Paul had heat exhaustion AND dehydration (not expected).  They hooked him up to an IV, ran some tested and then we were able to go.  The rest of that week for hubby was crazy.  Between trying to get better and the drama that unfolded for his job...you would have thought the end of the world was near.

So now I'm dealing with trying to get hubby better, his work drama, making sure mom is doing okay and finishing up with the party.  But wait, it gets better (keep following, I promise it will tie together)...I'm not sure where you all are however in Oklahoma we haven't been getting a lot of rain.  Lack of rain causes droughts...droughts cause fires.  So, on top of everything else, fires break out here in Oklahoma and one of the fires isnt' all that far from my sisters house.  A week before our parents 40th Surprise Anniversary Party....oh joy.

Finally the weekend of mom and dad's party.  It was awesome.  I was so happy and proud of my parents.  With everthing that has happened over the past few years they deserved to be celebrated.

Happy 40th Mom and Dad!!!!

I couldn't have been more proud or happie with the way my parents party turned out.  With all the work that myself, my sister and Sister Laureene (friend of the family) put in it...including up to the last minute it was wonderful.

Now for the truth...I couldn't have been more happy that everything was finally over.  By the end of my parents party, mom haveing the heart cath, my hubby ending up in the er and his work drama...I was wore out.  I use to be able to deal with this type of stress and not be bothered by it.  Now, I get wiped out...sick...hurt, you name it and more than likely I deal with it.  Ugh, it's so frustrateing.  After mom and dads party I went home and slept for a couple of hours.  Went to church the next day, came home and slept a couple of more.

Oh...did I mention the day before mom and dad's party I got a letter from my endocrinologist informing his patients that he got a job at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota?  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him but at the same time I'm so sad.  Loved my doctor...for the first time since all this started I felt like I finally had someone who understood me and what I was saying.  Now I get to find someone new.  Oh Joy (as my dad would say).

Three Years Cancer Free:

It was towards the end of September 2009.  Paul and I were heading back to the Stillwater Cancer Care Center to get my six month test results.  We were about to find out if I was cancer free or not.

Thankfully football was in full force and I was able to stay busy enough to where I was thinking about it to much.  Wait, that's a lie...no matter how busy one is you always think about.  Awake, asleep, it doesn't matter.  Whether or not you are cancer free will always be on your mind.

Paul and I had talked several times what we would do if the cancer was still there.  The scan I had after treatment still showed cancer.  My oncologist at the time said that was normal and that more than likely the residual cancer that is still there would be gone by the time I did the six month scan.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm not all that patient of a person and that I hate waiting?  One thing I have totally learned from this whole cancer thing is that you hurry and wait.  Not matter what it is.  Blood work, CT Scans, Ultra Sounds, Whole Body Scans...all you do is wait and I'm not that good at it.  Worry comes with waiting and all I did is worry.  Football games help distract me but I still went crazy.

For some reason I don't remember the exact day I got my results.  I remember the dates of both surgeries and treatment but I don't remember the date I got my scan results.  One would think I would but, oh well.

It's time for my appointment and I was as nervous as could be.  We got there, checked in, paid my co-pay and we waited.  Finally it was my turn.  I went back into the examining room, my nurse checked my blood pressure, temp, went over my medication list and said that the doctor will be in.  So we waited some more.  My doctor came in.

Now I don't remember what all he said.  Truthfully I don't have a clue.  The only words I remember is....there was no cancer found.  After he said that I was cancer free he did go on to explain that our goal was to get me to being scanned once every five years.  So far I have been scanned every year.

Earlier this year I decided to celebrate being cancer free early.  As you know back in December we had a scare that the cancer was back.  So in April I got a tatoo stating that I'm a cancer survivor.  Maybe I should have waited, but I figure....I have a scar I don't want, had a scare that the cancer returned, so I'm getting some ink.  Oh, and since I'm not a 100% percent sure what day I was told I'm cancer free.....I'm celebrating all month long.

Don't forget that September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month.  Don't forget to check your neck!

Random Ramblings:

There are times that you feel like nothing but a guinea pig.  All you do is get stuck, probed, tested....it's insane.  At times I feel like doctors don't care how much it costs you...they just want to run tests.  Yes, I know there are reasons for the tests to be done but come on, sometimes enough is enough.  Yes, it totally stinks to have cancer.  Actually it sucks.  When you are first diagnosed you go through so many scans, tests, blood work, ect.  I quickly got over my fear of needles.  At times it feels like getting to that five year mark will never come.  Each time I think I get to start counting the years in between scans something happens that I have to be scanned.

I understood the scan after treatment, the six month scan and the year scan.  I even understood the next one year scan.  Cancer cells were found in the lymph nodes, so we had to continue to be aggressive.  After that scan came back clean I was all excited.  Finally get to start counting the years.  Wrong, my blood work came back showing the cancer was trying to come back which means another scan.  Ugh, so tired of this.  There comes a time you just feel like throwing up your hands and saying your done.  Done done done.  But you can't.  You have to keep fighting and deal with cards your delt. 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned through all of this is cancer doesn't care what social class your in, your age, sex, race, ect.  Cancer can attack anyone. 

When all this started, I got so tired of hearing...if  you are to get cancer thyroid cancer is the best one to have.  It is so easy to manage and get rid of.  All I could think, you aren't the one going through it.  Your not the one who is currently dealing with this.  So please stop saying it!  Of course, I never said a word and just sat there listening.

Not long after I had the first surgery and was diagnosed with cancer, something crazy happened to me.  I was at the December Graduation Reception and was talking to a student.  I honestly don't remember how the conversation started but we got to talking about me having thyroid cancer and I was about to have surgery number two.  I told her that my oncologist wasn't going to let me have treatment until I had a right neck dissection.  She then told me her mom was going through the samething.  Her mom was about to have her thyroid removed.  She asked how I discovered I had cancer and then introduced me to her mom.  I got to share my story and answer some questions for her.

I got back to work from haveing surgery number two, left again for treatment, returned again then a few weeks later found out a student was diagnosed with cancer...then a few months later had another student diagnosed (niether on had the type of cancer I had).  Considering I just went through it I was also able to help them.  If nothing else I could be there to listen to them when they needed to talk, scream, vent...whatever they needed. 

Even now through my blog and talking about it on twitter I have been able to help people.  It's amazing how God has been able to use to me to help other people.  Even though for a while I was mad and angry for getting cancer and to some degree blamed God, I have been able to turn it into a testimony.  I have to admit, my parents and friends kept telling me that would happen. 

The biggest problem I had was dealing with the scar.  Ugh, I hatde the scar.  To me it's so noticeable (well at the time).  Of course I was told it wasn't, but I always thought you had to be blind not to see it.  The looks...oh my the looks I would get after the surgeries and treatment.  Strangers would always ask what happened.  There was one guy who worked at a gas station asked me if the person who caused it was behind bars and if I left the jerk.  There was another time in Feburary 2009 about a week or so before treatment I was at a hotel (hubbies sisters and a couple of friends came to Oklahoma) and a friend of my hubbies was causeing a scene and some other people also staying at the hotel called security.  While Paul was talking to one cop another one asked me what happened.  Nothing like 20 questions caused by thyroid cancer.  It also seemed like, just when I was finally comfortable about the scar, I would be asked what happened.  My poor husband would get so frustrated with me.  He kept telling me it's not noticable, but everytime I looked in a mirror all I saw was the horrible scar.

It's just recently I haven't really noticed the scar and I can actually joke about it.  I was told about a year or so ago that I should view it as a victory scar.  I now understand what was being said.  See, all I could see was an ugly scar.  Now it's a beautiful scar...a battle that I won, with God's help.

Is the Cancer back????

Started working at my new job in January 2012.  About a week or so later I went to Mercy to get my scan results.  That was the longest week.  I was so scared...all I could think was what if the cancer is back.  I of course went back to my Aunt Sharon.  It came back with her and she passed.  I didn't want to go through all that again.  No matter what I did, I couldn't turn my mind off.  All I could do was think; what if it did come back, what if I had to have surgery again, what if I had to go through treatment again...what if, what if.  Playing the what if game does get annoying...

Time for the appointment.  Paul and I decided afterwards we would go eat at our favorite Mexican resturant in Edmond and we were going to hook up with my best friend Pam.  Getting with Pam is always fun.  My name gets called...Paul and I head back and wait for the doctor to come in.  Ugh, time was moving so slow.

The doctor finally came in.

Paul and I were sitting there listening to the doctor as he started to go over the results.  The doctor said my scan is clean...there is no sign of cancer.  Praise the Lord!!!! No cancer!!!  The he said that there must have been a mix up in the lab.  My tumor marker back in December was at 4.7, meaning that the cancer was coming back.  In January when they did it again it was a .7...the doctor said that just doesn't happen.  In my opinion...yes it does.  It's the power of prayer.  It was a miracle.  I know that God healed me.

The doctor wanted to go a head and do a CT Scan and an Ultra Sound just to make sure everything really is gone. 

The CT Scan was interesting.  I'm allergic to the iodine contrast they use and of course I ended up with side effects.  But, it came back clean and that is all that matters.  I'm suppose to do the Ultra Sound in November.

Vacation+Fiesta Bowl+Low-Iodine Diet=Ugh

Time to head to AZ for the Fiesta Bowl.  So excited!!!  Oklahoma State finally won our first Big 12 Championship and we are headed to our first BCS game and I get to go! Coming home wont be fun, but hey...sometimes you have to pay a price.

Paul and I got to AZ.  It is beautiful!!!  We met up with my unlce and I was kidding with him that it took a football game to finally visit.  While we were there the weather was perfect and we never had any problems with allergies.  We had a great time.  We stayed in Scottsdale which seemed to be the hub for everything.  Shopping, eating, you name it...they had it.  We ate a lot of Mexican food and did try to see some sites.  My uncle also drove us around and showed us where the Suns and the Diamondbacks play.  He also showed us how to get from the hotel to the Arizona Cardinals stadium.  We didn't have to fight traffic!! 

On the day of the game hubby and I went looking for health food stores.  I needed to get stocked up for the trip home because I wouldn't be able to stop and eat being on the low-iodine diet.  We finally found a big health food store and I told Paul that I wished we had a store like that in Stillwater.  We dropped off the food (fruit, nuts, rice cakes, Sierra Mist, water, ect..), got dressed and headed to the game. 

We got to the stadium, looked around and then went to find our seats and guess who I saw....my new boss.  He was sitting a few rows behind Paul and I.  So, I went to say hi and decided to tell him about the cancer and that there is a chance it was back.  I apologized for not saying anything about it during the interview but I wasn't sure if it was proper or not to bring it up at that time.  He told me he already knew and it wasn't a problem.  Health and family come first.  What a relief.  I was so scared it would end up being a problem.  I mentioned when the dates were and that most everything would be over before I started the job.  I would need time off to get my results but that was all.

Side note:  what a great game.  Oklahoma State won it's first BCS Championship....yes I am very proud of my Alma Mater!

Sometimes the truth hurts....

It was late when we got back to the hotel and we knew it was going to be hard to get to sleep.  We had to because we planned to get up early for that long drive ahead of us, but we were still too excited from the win.  Considering I had to start the diet on the way home we made the decision to drive straight through.  The only stops would be for gas and to use the restroom.  Paul decided to be on the diet with me that way he wouldn't be eating "regular food" in front of me.  He is so awesome. 

The time came to start making the trips back and forth to OKC.  Blood work, Thyrogen injections, tracer dose then the scan.  I think I made four trips back and forth in one week.  I got to talking to the tech guy that gave me the injections and I told him I was excited Mercy had the Thyrogen.  He told me that they had the largest Thyroid Cancer popultion in state of Oklahoma.  I wish I knew that when all this started.  He went on to say they did there best to always have it in stock and they already had a protocol in place for situations where medications were in shortage.  After hearing that, I was so thankful I was turned over to my new doctor.

I loved doing the scan at Mercy it was so much better than doing it at Stillwater Medical Center.  Not that the bed you lay on for a scan is comfortable but at Mercy I wasn't strapped in like at Stillwater Medical Center.  It was so much more comfortable and they played music.  They didn't at SMC.  The overall expericence at Mercy compared to SMC was just better.  So now that the scan was done we sit and wait for the results and start my new job.

Starting the job helped me get my mind off the possibilty that the cancer had returned.  Going home was hard....I would sit and think.  I just couldn't imagine that the cancer had returned.  Considering everything I went through finding out I had cancer I started making plans in case I had to have surgery or go through treatment again.  I wouldn't be able to stay at the apartment if treatment was the choice.  We now live in a one bedroom apartment and there would be no way for Paul to stay away from me.  He also wouldn't be able to stay anywhere because it was basketball and wrestling season and he would have to work.  I thought that since I'm now under the care of Mercy I felt I would be able to be in the hospital during treatment...if need be.  I quickly learned to expect the worse and hope for the best.

Well, time to make another trip to the city to get the results...

Thyrogen, Thyrogen...where art thou?

After my one year scan, we scheduled another scan for the following year during the summer.  During the summer of 2011 we were planning another trip to Maine to see Paul's family so I had called the Stillwater Cancer Care Center to see when my scan was going to be.  They were wanting to do it while I was on vacation, I didn't want to be on the low-iodine while in Maine.  Well, come to find out they were out of the Thyrogen and they weren't sure when more would be delivered...so my appointment was going to be moved to the early part fall.  Perfect...I will be back from vacation by then.  But there was a down side...there was going to be a chance that I will be on the low-iodine diet during football.  UGH, terrible...on that diet during football...looks like I have no choice.  Gotta do what you gotta do...right?

Paul and I went on vacation and of course had a great time.  Saw some new things that we missed on the year before and we spent more time in Boston.  I have really fallen in love with that city.  I don't want to live there but I do love visiting. 

When we got home (easier than last year) I recieved a call from the Stillwater Cancer Care Center...they still don't have any Thyrogen.  You have got to be kidding me.  My nurse said that it had something to do with it being on back order.  My poor mom kept trying to blame the Cancer Care Center, but they weren't at fault.  It was the manufacture company.  My nurse wasn't sure what all was going on and neither did the customer rep, so I decided to google Thyrogen and the company that makes it.  Apparently the FDA shut down delivery because the medicine was contaminated and the manufacturer had to clean things up before more could be made and delivered.  What type of contamination, where, ect., the company did not have to disclose that information according to the FDA website.  Just one more thing I didn't understand about all this cancer stuff.  So, we continue to wait.

I finally got a call in October to come in and talk to my doctor.  It was yet another doctor...I really don't think I ever saw my original Oncologist after the first year.  The Cancer Care Center was changing protocol and those of us who are/were considered stable patients were going to be released and refered to another doctor.  They had no idea when more Thyrogen would be delivered and if a patient comes in with a diagnosis of Thyroide Cancer they would have top priority on the medicine.  I totally understood that.  I then got refered to an Endocrinologist within the Mercy Health Care System.

My appointment was scheduled for December.  WhooHooo I didn't have to go through football on the low-iodine diet.  The new doctor did some blood work and scheduled an ultra-sound of my neck.  I went back in around the middle to end of December to get the results.  That is when my heart sank.  My blood work showed that the cancer was coming back.  My tumor level was higher than the doctor liked.  Now, the problem was the doctor didn't know if that was normal for me, or to high...nothing.  He asked if I knew what I had been showing and of course I didn't.  I asked what my paperwork said and he said according to my file the Cancer Care Center never did blood work.  Well I knew that wasn't true.  I have had blood drawn a number of times....why didn't they get my whole file?  Yet another question.  Seems like I have more questions than answers.

Well, this wasn't the news I wanted to hear right before Christmas.  So, I was going to have to go through the scan....again  I was so scared I would have to go off the Synthroid.  The doctor said not to worry about that just yet.  He was going to have his nurse call and see if Mercy had the Thyrogen before we went any further and that I would get a call with an answer and we get things scheduled at that time.

Now, while all this was going on I had recieved a call for a job interview.  Yep, I was looking for a new job.  I had decided  not to say anything to my potential new boss until I had dates confirmed and wanted to wait until I knew if I had the job or not.  The "C" word is such a tricky thing.  You never really know when to mention it when it comes to interviews and possible new jobs.  So I decided to wait until I heard from my new nurse.  I went to my interview and a couple of days later I accepted the position. 

Good news...Mercy has Thyrogen!!!  Yes, I can stay on the Synthroid.  Bad news...my new doctor wanted me on the low-iodine diet after Christmas and I have a new job.  Wait, how am I going to go to the Fiesta Bowl AND be on the diet.  That is not going to work.  I have never been to Arizona and this is a BCS bowl.  I want to be able to have a good time.  I told Paul I didn't know what to do.  We talked back and forth on what to do...we had the tickets, hotel booked and paid...Ugh.  So I asked my dad if he wanted to go in my place and he said no.  I also had to decide how I was going to tell my new boss about the Thyroid Cancer and that there was a chance it had come back.  Oh boy...what do I do.

I ended up calling  the nurse back and asked...if I promise to start the diet on my way home from the game can we still do the scan with the dates she gave me.  The dates I had would be perfect.  I would have everything over but getting the results before I started my new job.  She called back and the doctor said if I promised to start the diet on the way home we could leave the dates alone and not change anything.  Yes, I was able to wait.  Nice, I can be done with the scan before I start my new job and I can start the diet on my way back from AZ.  Praise the Lord!!!!

Tests results, Synthroid adjustments, Thyrogen....Oh the fun

Now that I have gone on my little rant, I guess I better get back to my story.

After the first two surgeries I was on .150 of the Synthroid. Then it was .175 and finally .200. In the beginning I felt like I was being bounced all over the place. One dose to another....One day I would feel great and within a couple of days I would feel horrible. Once I was on the .200 dose, I was doing much better. The biggest issue I had was sweating. Oh my, I would sweat at the drop of a hat. Cleaning, walking, it didn't matter what I was doing I would sweat. At least my hair finally stopped falling out.

About a week or so after the first Whole Body Scan, I got the results back.  It still showed some cancer still in the bed of the thyroid.  The doctor said that was normal and in six months I will go through the scan again and he feels that it will all be gone.

The six month scan was so much better than when I went off my Synthroid for treatment and the first scan.  They finally have this awesome drug called Thyrogen (http://www.thyrogen.com/home/thy_home.asp).  Now I get to stay on my medication and still have the scan.  Praise the Lord!!!  I will now have two Thryrogen injections a couple of days before the scan and that will push my TSH levels up to where they need to be in order to have the whole body scan.  It has made things so much better...however I did end up with a reaction to the medicine. Who knew Thyrogen had side effects, then I googled it...So my nurse and I came to the conclusion that I had an allergic reaction and next time I would have to take some meds that would off set the side effects.

I went in for the six month scan and the results came back clean.  In September 2009 I was declared cancer free.  Those were/are the most awesome words I could have ever heard.  The doctor said once the one year scan came back clean I could start counting the years in between scans.  Eventually I would only have to be scanned once every five years.  Yes!!!  I get to start counting the years.

In the summer of 2010, Paul and I went on vacation to see his dad and Aunt in Maine.  When we got back I would be on the low-iodine diet for my one year scan.  Getting to Maine was so frustrating...Our flight leaving Tulsa was delayed, we were delayed getting out of Chicago Ohare...then we finally got to our destination.  Had a great time.  It was my first time up in that part of the country and I saw some amazing things.  However, getting home took forever...We got to the airport and was informed that our flight was cancelled.  Thanks United for the heads up.  Being delayed wouldn't have been so bad if I had enough Synthroid.  Everyone kept telling me I would be fine.  I had been on the Synthroid for about two years and everyone said that was long enough and I wouldn't have any problems.  They were wrong.  So very wrong.

Trying to get home was a journey.  We got back to the airport and once again our flight was delayed (don't fly in and out of Ohare).  I was okay at the beginning of trip, but by the time we got to Chicago Ohare...I was a mess.  I was tired, weepy and just wanted home.  Paul kept saying, don't cry....don't cry.  I did my best...I was just so tired and not feeling all that great.  I was done with traveling, being at airports...I just wanted home in my bed.  We didn't get to Tulsa until about 7:00/7:30 pm that evening and didn't get to Stillwater until around 9:00 pm and then finally took my Synthroid.  Never go without your Synthroid unless you have to especially when traveling...that was terrible.  I now take my pill bottle no matter where I go.  Even if it is an over night trip.  You never know what could happen.  I would say it took a couple of days to get back to "normal", whatever that is.

We finally got back home and it was time to go back on the low-iodine diet for my one year scan.  But this time there was a change.  I already knew I would be able to take the Thyrogen shots but this time around I also had to be on a clear liquid diet and drink that stuff that cleans you out the day before. Went in to have the scan done, got the results and I was still cancer free.  WhooHoo!!!  However, the doctor (who wasn't my original oncologist) said we will we redo the scan in a year once again.  WAIT, what?  In a year....Why?  The doctor said that considering cancer cells were found in the lympth nodes, we needed to do it again in a year.  I said okay (even though I wanted to wait two years), I have been aggressive this far, what's another year.

Oh, the joy of trying to get the next scan done.  It deserves it's own post...

Rant/Frustrations/Random Thoughts:

For a couple of days now I have been trying to write about the scans, mediciation adjustments, ect...and I haven't been able to come up with the words.  So, I decided to take a break from all that and decided to free write how I honestly felt going through all this cancer stuff.   I'm going to go on a little rant before I continue on....I will try my best not to repeat anything already written, but I can't promise anything.  Also, I will apologize now if I seem all over the place.  Hopefully it won't be to confusing.

I hate the word Cancer.  Cancer sucks and that is the only way I can describe it.  I also hate that I was diagnosed with it.  You never think it could happen to you, but it can and sometimes it does.  For the past couple of years I have felt like nothing but a number....a statistic.  Between the tests, scans, blood work, rotating doctors, and the issues I have had since the second surgery (actually can't tell if it's from the surgery or car wreck)...I really am nothing but a number.  Cancer is THAT six letter word.

If I am going to be totally and completely honest, that is how I feel about myself at times....nothing but a number.  Those feelings usually come when I feel depressed, start feeling sorry for myself, or like this past weekend when I feel broken.  I have mentioned before that I still have problems from the second surgery.  My neck and right shoulder still bother me.  Alot.  When or if I use my right arm to much, the weather changes, sleep wrong...the right side acts up like crazy.  When it happens, my arm will burn, ache, hurt, throb...there are times I can't turn my head, my neck feels twice it's size or at other times I feel like there is a rod stuck in my neck.  Just all sorts of crazy issues. 

I will never forget the day I was told they found cancer...I was feeling so many different emotions.  Since we are being honest, the main question I kept asking was why.  Why me, why now, what have I done wrong?  I remember wondering if I was that bad of a person or if my past had come back to haunt me, was I so bad that I deserved cancer?  I also...even blamed God....a little.  Even though I was leaning on God, my faith, my Pastor and church family, friends and family there was that small part of me that blamed God.  I got really good at putting up a front, everytime I was asked if I was okay, I always...without fail put on a smile and said I was great.  I never heard anything different, so  I always presummed they believed me.

I remember the first time I was asked why I still believed in God and why I thought he would heal me.  That person also told me that it was God who caused me to get cancer.  I disputed with that person, almost got into a knock out drag out fight (okay, it really was a war with words).  Then I had to stop, look within myself and admit that it wasn't God's fault, I need to stop blaming him.  It's one of those things that happen and I would be able to turn this horrible thing into a wonderful and tremendous testimony. In my heart I always knew it wasn't his fault, but in my head, I had to blame someone.

Another thing I remember that drove me crazy was being told over and over again that if I was to get cancer, Thyroid cancer was the best to get.  It's easy to get rid of and manage.  All you have to do is take a pill a day...not that big of a deal.  Oh, if only it was that easy.  Just a pill a day.  Well, come to find out it's not just a pill a day.  When I don't take it or if the dosage is off I feel horrible, my hair falls out, I'm weepy, fatigue, emotionally up and down, you name it and more than likely I have felt it or gone through it.  It drives my poor husband crazy.  I told him a few times he could leave.  He didn't sign up to deal with cancer.  As always, he would tell me to shut up and that everything would be okay.  Don't tell him, but he was right.

I do have one of the most dependable support systems.  My friends and family are awesome and it was so hard to tell them, especially my husband that I had cancer.  As I have mentioned before, my dad was with me when I got the news...but telling my mom and the rest of the family was devastating.  It has got to be one of the hardest times in my life.  I really think what made it harder was a couple of years prior, we had Aunt Sharon to breast cancer and I was so scared that it would also happen to me.  No matter how many times I was told that Thyroid Cancer is the easiest to control and manage, I was still so scared.  It was still cancer after all.

My dad kept trying to reassure me that everything will be fine.  He told me he was praying one night and the Lord told him that we are to never forget that cancer was in the nodule on the thyroid, not in the thryroid itself.  I kept telling him I know and understood but it was still so hard.  Like I said, I knew in my heart everything was fine but getting my mind to understand was another story.  The mental battle that goes on with dealing with cancer is tiring in itself.  Not to mention the physical battle of trying to heal from two surgeries and treatment.  Ugh, treatment...after I went through that I was sick all the time.  It's so easy to tell someone the cliche words/phrases.  It will be okay, God won't make you carry a load that is heavier than you can handle, this to shall pass (one of my mom's favorites).  However, when it's you going through the storm...it is so hard to take your own advise.

The most frustrating part of all the cancer stuff was the rotating doctors at the Cancer Care Center.  Dealing with cancer itself it a struggle, but when you have different oncologist each time you go to the Cancer Care Center is so mind blowing.  The first year I had the same doctor.  After that I had someone different.  Even when I was discharged I had a different doctor.  Each one had there own thoughts and opinions on how things should be done.  The real kicker was my last doctor there...the one who discharged me,  I don't think she ever read my chart/file.  All she said was, well your stable so we are releasing you....bye.  Okay, maybe not those words but I think you get my point.  If only I would have known what I know now...again, another great cliche.

I think one of the best decisions I made was going on "happy pills".  That actually started when I was trying to get my dosage of Synthroid changed.  My primary doctor during all the cancer stuff tried to put me on it, but I refused, now I wish I would have.  You never realize how much your thryroid controls until you don't have one.  It also took some time for me to realize how much I actually needed the pills.  The other issue I had to get over was...It was okay to be on them.  There are so many Christians that have this idea that going on this type of medication is wrong.  We are to trust and rely on God.  He is our joy, comfort, peace....ect.  But you know, there are times that we need doctors and different medications.  God gave us doctors for a reason.  God knows our heart.  Just because I'm on the meds doesn't mean I don't believe that I will and can be fully healed. 

One of the main things I had to learn and remember through all this was...God is always there.  It was hard for me to see that as I was going through this particular storm in my life.  Just because I didn't see or understand what is going on doesn't mean I had been abandoned, even though at times it felt like it.  There were times I felt like I was on a ledge and ready to jump.  I had no idea where I was going to land.  I had to decide if it was going to be in God's loving hands or to never never land.  When I was ready to throw my hands up and finally jump...I know I jumped into God's loving hands.  Even though I could see God and even though I felt so alone...I finally cleared my head and heart enough to hear God telling me...My child, I am carrying you.  You may see only one set of foot prints...remember it's mine and I'm carrying you.

There were many times I felt alone even with so many great people around me, but I always knew...deep in my heart...that God was carrying me.

Radioactive Iodine......Treatment, finally

Two surgeries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and the Cotton Bowl is over.  Time to get ready for treatment.  The appointment was made to meet with my oncologist...I went in and he checked the scar, went over the paperwork and said I could get things started.  Finally!!!

I went and met with my oncologist to get the process started.  I did blood work and got my list to follow.  First step was to be taken off my Synthroid.  Ugh, never do this unless you have to.  I had to in order to get my TSH  levels where they needed to be for treatment.  The side effects of going off Synthroid are crazy...headaches, fatigue, emotional, lack of appetite, ect.  I was told the symptoms are similar to being pregnant and it was horrible.  I was off my medication for about three or four weeks and those were the longest three or four weeks of my life.  It was so hard working, going to church, being with friends and family.  I would take short naps at lunch, would get off work go home and take a nap before bed.  I also went in weekly to have blood work done to see if my levels were high enough yet.

My bosses at the time was awesome (I have since changed jobs).  I don't think I could have worked with and for better people.  They were so understanding...I missed so much work because of the surgries and what trying to get ready for treatment.  Things got so hard while I was off the Synthroid...it got to where I was having a hard time getting out of bed for work and couldn't wait to get home so I could get some sleep.  I would cry at the drop at a hat and then turn around and be mad.  My husband threatened to start sleeping in the car.  He said he he never knew what to expect from me from minute to minute.  There wasn't much of a difference between work and home...nobody knew what to expect from me.

I finally went and talked to my direct supervisor and our Director about changing my hours until I was finally able to have treatment and go back on my medication.  Getting up and working eight hours a day was getting so hard.  Just as we set up my new schedule I got the call from the Cancer Center.  My TSH levels were finally high enough.  I was finally able to have treatment.  Time for the low-iodine diet and treatment.

Awe yes, the low-iodine diet...no salt, sea salt, iodine, red dye, six ounces of meat a day, nothing processed, no dairy, no soy, ect...UGH.  I quickly learned how to read the labels on food and over the counter medicines.  Yep, I even had to change some of my medications.  Had to change my allergy medication, vitamins, ect.  I'm tell you...it was so much fun (total sarcasm).  Actually, you don't realize what all has iodine, red dye, salt, ect.  It was eye opening.

I was going to be in complete isolation for a week while going through treatment.  I also had to "treatment proof" the house.  I had to saran wrap the key board, house phone and cell phone.  Put the remote controls in baggies, buy paper products so I could throw away my plates, spoons, forks, ect.  I was told to flush the toilet twice after I used the restroom, wash out the shower after I showered and at the end of the week I had to wash my clothes and bedding three times.....Paul also had to leave the house for the first four days.  We had to make sure he wasn't exposed to the iodine radiation and that everything was decontaminated when he did return, we didn't want to take a chance in ruining his good thryoid.

Treatment was scheduled for February 13th.  Yep, totally messed up Valentine's Day.  My Pastor and Charlie came by before I left for the hospital to pray with me.  You know, I couldn't have asked for a better support system through all this.  Pastor was at each surgery, pre-treatment, my church family was awesome, family and friends.  I love each and everyone one of them.  Pastor and Charlie left, I got Paul up so he could get ready, pack his bag and then I left for the hospital.  Paul had decided to go to Norman for a few day to stay with a buddy of his, since he couldn't stay at home.

I checked in at the hospital, registered and went to the waiting room.  My name was called and I went back and met with the doctor who gave me the pills.  I took the two pills and was quickly escorted out of the hospital.  I called Paul to let him know that I was on my way home and he asked me to drive around and waste some time.  I had no idea why but I did.  He called and told me I could come on home.  When I got there I found a single red rose and a huge teddy bear with a card waiting for me.  Even though Paul couldn't be there for Valentine's Day he wanted to make sure I had something special.  I fell in love with him all over again.  Before he left, my parents had shown up.  I sat in the dining room and my parents and hubby were in the living room.  We chit chatted for a few minutes and they all left.  I was home alone in complete isolation.

That was such a lonely time.  I hated it.  My Aunt Kim did stop by...she bought me a card, called me and had me come to the door so she could show me.  Then she took off with the card...don't ask why, I have no idea.  There was another night that I was on facebook and feeling pretty down.  I got to chatting with my cousin Cheryl.  She really helped me so much.  It was getting late and I told her we could talk later and she wouldn't let me go until I was better.  She said that a friend needed her more at that time....I realized she was talking abou me.  I really feel that during that time my cousin and I really bonded and became closer.

The first day wasn't so bad.  The second day was horrible.  I woke up that morning and couldn't get out of bed.  It took so much energy to get up out, go to the restroom then to the couch.  I basically lived on the couch for two days.  I didn't even want to fix me anything to eat and I really didn't want to shower either (I know, tmi)  Paul and my mom called (no not at the sametime), and I couldn't talk, had no voice.  Paul said I sounded like I had been to multiple football games and lost my voice.  So, on top of having no energy, not hungry....I couldn't talk and felt horrible.  After two days alone and with how sick I was, Paul decided to break the rules and came home.  He felt it was wrong for me to be by myself...how would anyone know if something bad happen?  He came right home.  He slept on the couch and I was in the bedroom.  He sat one side of the house, I was on the other.  When I showered, I washed it out after like I was suppose to and he would clean it again before he would shower...just like he would clean the toilet before he would use it.  We couldn't take any chances.

The end of the week couldn't come soon enough.  And it came with drama.  I had to do a whole body scan (http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/thyroid-scan) and after I could finally eat some real food.  I got to the hospital and recieved a call that my grandpa was being taken to the ER.  I met and waited with the family until my appointment.  When it was time for my scan, I left and after the scan was over I found out they were in the process of moving grandpa to ICU.  I was also starving, so I called Paul and he brought me Subway.  I have to say, that is one of the few times I felt bad eating in front of people.

The scan is over...now we wait for the test results and pray that grandpa would get better.

Surgery #2:

At some point between the first surgery and meeting with the new doctor, I ended up seeing my primary care doctor.  I told her about my frustrations with the whole cancer thing and she suggested putting my on some anti anxiety medicine.  I of course turned her down.  I didn't need it....I have a great family, great church family and awesome friends.  I didn't feel that I needed to be medicated...I was just fine.  Looking back, I wish I would have.

It's around the first of December and I'm meeting with my new doctor to get the ultra sound results...and again the test was fine.  I was once again given two options...either drive back and forth every three to six months for testing or have a second surgery to remove the lymph nodes.  Ugh, what a decision.  I didn't want to go through another surgery, but I didn't want to drive back and forth having tests ran....after awhile, you start to feel like a test dummy.  The doctor didn't feel that I needed a right neck dissection but the oncologist wouldn't let me go through treatment unless I had the surgery.  Ugh, this was so frustrating.  What was the right decision?  Surgery or no surgery.

My poor husband was so tired.  Like I said earlier, he works nights and I'm on days.  He got up early to go see the doctor with me.  At start of the appointment we were excited that I didn't have to have the surgery, then came the crushing blow.  My doctor went and called the oncologist to let him know about the results and that he didn't feel I needed surgery....well, the oncologist said NO.  I had to have the right neck dissection or no treatment.

Paul kept telling me to hurry and make up my mind.  He even went as far to say I wanted the surgery so just do it.  All he cared about was getting back home and get some sleep before he had to go back to work.  I understood...I really did.  He was tired and had a long night ahead of him, but I couldn't make up my mind.  We sat and talked, debated, discussed and weighed our options for about three or four hours.  It was crazy.  I was so thankful for having doctor willing to take that kind of time with me.

Everytime I thought about being tested every few months....it just never felt right.  There was this uneasy feeling I had...I guess you could say that I knew what I needed to do but I just didn't want to admit it.  I tried to explain that to Paul, but he just wanted to leave.  My poor doctor did everything possible to convince the oncologist that surgery wasn't needed, like I said he wouldn't cave.  Then my doctor came up with a third option...leave the Stillwater Cancer Care Center and transfer all my paperwork to OU Medical Center and basically start over.  We seriously considered that...but considering what winter can be like in Oklahoma, I felt driving back and forth could be trouble. 

Then came the more details on what kind of surgery I was facing.  The doctor would re open part of the old scar and make it longer.  He will take out the lymph nodes on the right side of the neck down part of the shoulder.  He would also have to move the major nerve in order to get to the lymph nodes in the shoulder area and then move the nerve back.  He was not able to guarantee that I wouldn't have any problems with my right side.  He said I could have some numbness, pain and have a hard time with my right arm for a little while....or it could never get better.  Each patient is different.  I looked at Paul, I asked what he thought...he said it was up to me.  I looked at the doctor and said...lets do it.

We were able to schedule the surgery for December 15th.  First, I was shocked it would be that soon.  Second, I wouldn't  have to burn to much leave since I will be off during part of Christmas break and campus closes for about a week.  Since we were already in the City, I was able to go and have some of the pre-op stuff done.  Did the paperwork, blood work, some xrays...next time we are in the City will be surgery day.

Surgery was scheduled for 7:00/7:30 am and I had to be there around 6:00 am.  Hubby and I decided it would be best if we stayed the night before that way we wouldn't have to get up to early to drive to OU Medical Center.  We got to the City and hooked up with his sister Cathy for dinner, went back to the room to chill.  I really think I was more nervous about this surgery than the first one.  Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

Morning came, got up and headed to the hospital.  Got checked in and in walks my mom, dad and sister.  I went back to my room, got changed for surgery, iv started and the door started rotating.  Next thing I knew my awesome Pastor and his wife came in.  We prayed and back Paul and I went.  I'm not sure what to call this but first I was in the room I changed in, then Paul and I went to a pre-surgery type room (happy shot time)...we gave each other a kiss and I was rolled into another surgery.

 Next thing I knew I was being woke up in recovery and I wasn't feeling well.  I had a headache, I was hot, just not feeling great at all.  The nurse took my temp and it was 102.  I was in recovery for a while...they were trying to get my temp down.  I finally left recovery and went to my room, not to long after the doctor came in and said I could go home.  Considering I wasn't feeling great I decided to stay in the hospital overnight.  Why not, it was already paid.

My sister and parents left and I was finally sent to a room and slept.  At some point Paul had left go see a buddy.  I woke up and was hungry so I ordered some food then I noticed this drain coming out of my neck with a ball on the end.  What on earth is this...about that time I had a friend come see me and my food was delievered.  I felt bad eating in front of my friend but I was hungry,  I went to take a bit and couldn't open my mouth....it was so crazy.  Trying to chew my food was fun and talking was some work out.  Did I mention it was also hard to lift my arm?  The doctor said I could have some trouble but I wasn't expecting this.  It was such an insane night.

It was around 7:00 or 8:00 that evening and the doctor came in.  He asked how I was feeling and I said better then he told me he got the pathology report back.  He said I made the right decision on having the surgery.  Out of 29 lymph nodes that were removed they found cancer cells in eight.  So out of two surgeries I had 30 lymph nodes removed, cancer was found in one and cancer cells were found in eight.  Hmm, and all the tests came back saying things were fine.  You can't tell me that God wasn't directing me in what to do. 

I got to go home that next morning.  The fever was gone and I was feeling better and we were trying to get back to Stillwater before the ice hit.  We got home just in time.  Paul dropped me off at home and he once again went to get my perscriptions filled and pick dinner.  I wanted to shower but had to wait for him to get back.  Once he did he had to help me get undressed, I got in the shower and then tried to figure out what to do with the drain.  I couldn't hold it, couldn't set it anywhere to set it so I put it in my mouth.  Yes, I clinched it with my teeth so I could shower.  Have you ever had to shower with one arm?  It is one of the most difficult things to do.  Then I tried to wash my hair, that wasn't any easier.  I got out, Paul helped me put on a tee shirt and he had to help dry my hair.  I thought my sister helping me after surgery number one was funny, you should have seen Paul.  Then I asked the impossible...I asked him to help brush it AND put it in a pony tail.  Trust me, I was ready for my arm to heal.  It really was funny.

We went back to get the stiches out and the drain removed.  I finally could wear a shirt without a pocket to put the drain in.  Getting the stiches out wasn't that big of a deal.  The drain on the other hand was.  The doctor cut the stiches and said, on the count of three I'm going to pull it out.  Are you ready?  I said yes, one...two....three and he pulled and pulled and pulled.  Paul's eyes kept getting bigger and bigger and that is when I started to freak.  After the doctor was finished Paul asked...how did all that fit?  The tube was long.  I got up, we started walking out and I got light headed and felt like I was going to pass out.  I sat down for a few minutes and then we left.

Now that the second surgery is over, I can finally go through treatment.  I had a couple of more trips to the City just to make sure everything was healing okay.  I was ready to move on and get this cancer stuff over with.  The past few months have been crazy, I'm done and over it.  I was feeling like my life was on hold and there was nothing I could do about it.  What's worse...I love Christmas.  It's my favorite holiday but I didn't even care....but my husband did.  He knew I loved putting out all the decorations, a tree and shopping for my family.  He pushed me that year.  I didn't want to get a tree or put out the decorations but he made me.  I really love that man.  He took me to church so I could attend Christmas service...we both knew it would be to soon but I wanted to go.  My family was also willing to wait to have Christmas after I felt better, but I didn't want to wait.  It's Christmas and I didn't want everything put on hold because of me.  Paul and I also decided to go ahead and go to the bowl game.  Oklahoma State played Ole Miss in the Cotton Bowl.  Like I said, I didn't want everything to be put on hold.

The next step was treatment and the fun of the low-iodine diet.