Rant/Frustrations/Random Thoughts:

For a couple of days now I have been trying to write about the scans, mediciation adjustments, ect...and I haven't been able to come up with the words.  So, I decided to take a break from all that and decided to free write how I honestly felt going through all this cancer stuff.   I'm going to go on a little rant before I continue on....I will try my best not to repeat anything already written, but I can't promise anything.  Also, I will apologize now if I seem all over the place.  Hopefully it won't be to confusing.

I hate the word Cancer.  Cancer sucks and that is the only way I can describe it.  I also hate that I was diagnosed with it.  You never think it could happen to you, but it can and sometimes it does.  For the past couple of years I have felt like nothing but a number....a statistic.  Between the tests, scans, blood work, rotating doctors, and the issues I have had since the second surgery (actually can't tell if it's from the surgery or car wreck)...I really am nothing but a number.  Cancer is THAT six letter word.

If I am going to be totally and completely honest, that is how I feel about myself at times....nothing but a number.  Those feelings usually come when I feel depressed, start feeling sorry for myself, or like this past weekend when I feel broken.  I have mentioned before that I still have problems from the second surgery.  My neck and right shoulder still bother me.  Alot.  When or if I use my right arm to much, the weather changes, sleep wrong...the right side acts up like crazy.  When it happens, my arm will burn, ache, hurt, throb...there are times I can't turn my head, my neck feels twice it's size or at other times I feel like there is a rod stuck in my neck.  Just all sorts of crazy issues. 

I will never forget the day I was told they found cancer...I was feeling so many different emotions.  Since we are being honest, the main question I kept asking was why.  Why me, why now, what have I done wrong?  I remember wondering if I was that bad of a person or if my past had come back to haunt me, was I so bad that I deserved cancer?  I also...even blamed God....a little.  Even though I was leaning on God, my faith, my Pastor and church family, friends and family there was that small part of me that blamed God.  I got really good at putting up a front, everytime I was asked if I was okay, I always...without fail put on a smile and said I was great.  I never heard anything different, so  I always presummed they believed me.

I remember the first time I was asked why I still believed in God and why I thought he would heal me.  That person also told me that it was God who caused me to get cancer.  I disputed with that person, almost got into a knock out drag out fight (okay, it really was a war with words).  Then I had to stop, look within myself and admit that it wasn't God's fault, I need to stop blaming him.  It's one of those things that happen and I would be able to turn this horrible thing into a wonderful and tremendous testimony. In my heart I always knew it wasn't his fault, but in my head, I had to blame someone.

Another thing I remember that drove me crazy was being told over and over again that if I was to get cancer, Thyroid cancer was the best to get.  It's easy to get rid of and manage.  All you have to do is take a pill a day...not that big of a deal.  Oh, if only it was that easy.  Just a pill a day.  Well, come to find out it's not just a pill a day.  When I don't take it or if the dosage is off I feel horrible, my hair falls out, I'm weepy, fatigue, emotionally up and down, you name it and more than likely I have felt it or gone through it.  It drives my poor husband crazy.  I told him a few times he could leave.  He didn't sign up to deal with cancer.  As always, he would tell me to shut up and that everything would be okay.  Don't tell him, but he was right.

I do have one of the most dependable support systems.  My friends and family are awesome and it was so hard to tell them, especially my husband that I had cancer.  As I have mentioned before, my dad was with me when I got the news...but telling my mom and the rest of the family was devastating.  It has got to be one of the hardest times in my life.  I really think what made it harder was a couple of years prior, we had Aunt Sharon to breast cancer and I was so scared that it would also happen to me.  No matter how many times I was told that Thyroid Cancer is the easiest to control and manage, I was still so scared.  It was still cancer after all.

My dad kept trying to reassure me that everything will be fine.  He told me he was praying one night and the Lord told him that we are to never forget that cancer was in the nodule on the thyroid, not in the thryroid itself.  I kept telling him I know and understood but it was still so hard.  Like I said, I knew in my heart everything was fine but getting my mind to understand was another story.  The mental battle that goes on with dealing with cancer is tiring in itself.  Not to mention the physical battle of trying to heal from two surgeries and treatment.  Ugh, treatment...after I went through that I was sick all the time.  It's so easy to tell someone the cliche words/phrases.  It will be okay, God won't make you carry a load that is heavier than you can handle, this to shall pass (one of my mom's favorites).  However, when it's you going through the storm...it is so hard to take your own advise.

The most frustrating part of all the cancer stuff was the rotating doctors at the Cancer Care Center.  Dealing with cancer itself it a struggle, but when you have different oncologist each time you go to the Cancer Care Center is so mind blowing.  The first year I had the same doctor.  After that I had someone different.  Even when I was discharged I had a different doctor.  Each one had there own thoughts and opinions on how things should be done.  The real kicker was my last doctor there...the one who discharged me,  I don't think she ever read my chart/file.  All she said was, well your stable so we are releasing you....bye.  Okay, maybe not those words but I think you get my point.  If only I would have known what I know now...again, another great cliche.

I think one of the best decisions I made was going on "happy pills".  That actually started when I was trying to get my dosage of Synthroid changed.  My primary doctor during all the cancer stuff tried to put me on it, but I refused, now I wish I would have.  You never realize how much your thryroid controls until you don't have one.  It also took some time for me to realize how much I actually needed the pills.  The other issue I had to get over was...It was okay to be on them.  There are so many Christians that have this idea that going on this type of medication is wrong.  We are to trust and rely on God.  He is our joy, comfort, peace....ect.  But you know, there are times that we need doctors and different medications.  God gave us doctors for a reason.  God knows our heart.  Just because I'm on the meds doesn't mean I don't believe that I will and can be fully healed. 

One of the main things I had to learn and remember through all this was...God is always there.  It was hard for me to see that as I was going through this particular storm in my life.  Just because I didn't see or understand what is going on doesn't mean I had been abandoned, even though at times it felt like it.  There were times I felt like I was on a ledge and ready to jump.  I had no idea where I was going to land.  I had to decide if it was going to be in God's loving hands or to never never land.  When I was ready to throw my hands up and finally jump...I know I jumped into God's loving hands.  Even though I could see God and even though I felt so alone...I finally cleared my head and heart enough to hear God telling me...My child, I am carrying you.  You may see only one set of foot prints...remember it's mine and I'm carrying you.

There were many times I felt alone even with so many great people around me, but I always knew...deep in my heart...that God was carrying me.